Exercise
If you want to, you can now perform an exercise that reduces the strength of such negative stories about yourself and helps you liberate from their impact. Objectives of this method derive from the narrative therapy practised by Michel White and David Epston . You will need about 45 minutes of your time to start working on your own story. You can do this exercise alone or together with a close person that you trust and that has known you for a long time.
Such and similar stories sometimes lead you through your life. They hide right under your daily stress, fatigue and preoccupation with meaningless information. They come back to you when you are making plans, dreaming, trying to enjoy what happens to you here and now. They harshly mark the boundaries of a possible fate. They serve destiny up to the standards of their malice. Living in their shadow means torment and suffering.
The first part of the exercise is difficult. You can continue for up to 7 minutes. If you extend the exercise, it will not produce the expected results: you will plunge into pessimism and hopelessness even more. Your first task is to write down several sentences of the story that bothers or limits you, associated with shame, guilt or suffering. Write one short story similar to the four quoted at the beginning. Do not write more! Remember: 7 minutes! Focusing on these few sentences for a longer time will be like losing your time on watching the starters instead of enjoying the main dish: you will leave hungry and angry. If you are doing the exercise with somebody else, ask him/her to check the time. Do not let him/her help you build the story or review it. At this stage, his/her biggest favour is to pay attention to the time.
The second part of the exercise is to find exceptions, i.e. specific situations and facts that contradict the story told just a moment ago. It is not about comforting yourself, positive thinking or giving good advice and tips to yourself or others. The second task is only a reminder; it is about writing down and analysing facts and events that are difficult to reconcile with the story you have just written down. Try acting like a disciplined detective who investigates even the slightest inconsistencies or discrepancies. Do not twist the meaning of events. Do not cheat yourself. Write down only what you cannot explain using the bad story. When you recall such a situation, answer the two sets of questions:
Where were you when this happened? Were you there alone or was there anyone else with you? Who was that? When exactly happened? How long did it last? What happened before and right after?
What, in your opinion, does the situation you have written down tell about what is important for you in your life and what you care about? Could you name the values that you followed then? Could you describe the relationship between the main characters of the story? What knowledge, skills and abilities did you use in this situation? What was necessary to do this? What did you want to achieve in your life by taking such action? What does that say about your plans then? What person would take such an action? What does that say about you as a man that you have decided to take such an action?
If you are doing the exercise with somebody else, ask him/her for help now. Use his/her memory of the events and facts; ask more about those that do not fit the image that you have presented in the bad story; ask him/her to respond to the above questions and specify your beliefs, preferences, values, objectives, motives, knowledge and skills in his/her opinion. Write them down and analyse at least 5 facts, events and situation important for you!
The third part of the exercises is to write down a new short story. Try to use the expressions:
– Because this happened…,
– and in these situations I did…
– my bad story was too simple for me to treat it seriously
– my life is much more complex and …,
– I am cable of…
– I am able to…
– I can…
The last fourth part of the exercise is the answer to two simple questions and a few conversations with important people:
Who would be the least surprised with your new history?
What would make these people least surprised?
If possible, meet them and let them talk about you: about their feelings and perceptions.
In a situation when you are struggling with a story that bothers, torments and limits you, repeat the search for and analysis of exceptions many times. At some point, your image of yourself will become more complex, and the bad story will turn out to be uncertain, partial and biased, and will cease to be the dominant and current version of you.